Original Me

I apologize for the amount of times I said “at this point” in “Naked Ladies, No School, and Skinny Dipping”

All that I have to say pertaining to the title is that I find that when I am stalking people via their blogs, I see way more naked ladies than I would like to see. I would like to see none. But obviously you give absolutely no shits as to what I would like to see.. Which is pandas

As a teenager, I am always excited when the end of school comes around. Mainly because school gets out, and it also means it’s almost my birthday, but also it’s because the summer festivities are starting. For example, anarchy, arson, and kicking people’s shins. I actually don’t take part in any of those activites… Except shin kicking, which I do gently and jokingly. But I do go camping and what not. So, I decided to share a tidbit from last summer.

My friends and I made the unwise decision to go skinny dipping in the depths of both the water and the night. So we did the whole sh-bang. My friend parked her truck, we took off our clothes, we ran “whisper screaming” into the water, and then ran, actually screaming, out of the water when we noticed that the fish become lively after dark. Well, at this point we were covered in lake water and had sand in all our crevices. So, naturally we went to the showers. At this point we realized that we had lost a lot of our articles of clothing on the beach, so we walked up to the showers in the buff. (Wearing only XL T-shirts) At this point my friend Beans decides to yell “WE’RE NAKED!!!” In a very provocative voice. I politely said “Yes, say that so all the nice paedophiles can come and find us.”

-Rachel Ann

P.S- Add skinny dipping to your bucket list if you haven’t done it. It calls for wonderful memories!

Sometimes when I’m scrolling through the home page, I see my own posts and get really excited. It’s one of those split seconds things. Because then I realize no one reposted it, that was just me. Stupid me.

You are a dream chaser. Everyone is. We are all programed to want more than what we have. Some people overcome this, but most do not. Here’s my advice: Do not follow your dreams. Chase them. I mean chase them like hell. Then, when you catch them, throw them on the ground, stomp on them, and say “I got you, you ass hole.” And be happy. Because in the end, you’ll realized that the whole time you were really only chasing happiness.

deefizzy:

i can’t really give you advice on being suicidal when i feel the same every single day. at this point, i feel i’m being hypocritical for even attempting to help you.

Damon, just swim. Stay beautiful.

So! Today was a great day, you know why? Because it actually sucked. Golly, I’m so deceiving. Just joshin you all. But really, today was not ok. Here’s how it started.

• Wake up- This would normally not be a bad thing. But I remembered my dream that involved me flying through a forest and sleeping in some guy’s bed. Not in a sexual way, but literally just sleeping.
• Going back to sleep- Once again, this is normally a good thing. But today, I went back to sleep because I had fallen ill. <— I like to say that I’m sick that way because it sounds more dramatic.
• Waking up part 2- I only woke up to go be sick some more. Then I realized that I was going to miss disecting things in Biology. This is when I decided I must be better in a few hours.
• Watching Criminal minds- This was probably the best part of my day because I get to watch people get their asses handed to them.
• Going back to school- I decided that I had recovered (which was a lie) and I went back to school to disect an organism.
• Disecting- The organism had a lot of discusting poop like substances in it’s inners. Which did not do my nausea any justice. Also, I hadn’t eaten anything all day (It’s about 2:30 at this time) and I was feel a tad faint.
• Leaving class to clear my head- In all reality, I had told the teacher I didn’t feel good and that I hadn’t eaten today and she let me go get a granola bar out of my locker.
• Standing in the hallway- Thinking my nausea was from the formaldehyde used to preserve the starfish that I was currently cutting up, I stood in the hallway clearing my nostrils.
• Realizing I was about to pass out- This is when the going got tough. As soon as I realized I had extremely low blood sugar I took about four steps toward my locker. At which point I fell against a wall trying to hold myself up so I wouldn’t be that one girl that was found passed out in the hallway.
• Seeing my locker in the distance- My locker was a good twenty steps away from me, so I was completely discouraged when I looked up. But I said “Rachel, get your ass to that gosh darn granola bar before you smash your face on the ground”.
• Getting to my locker- I started walking again and was definitely feeling like I was about to throw up all over the ground, I was seeing black spots, and I was tripping over myself. When finally I flung open my locker, got a granola bar, and opened it.
• Opening the granola bar- You’re probably thinking, what the hell is this? A play-by-play? Well first of all, it kind of is. And second of all, I was eating a crunchy granola bar and those things are messy. So when my shaking little hands tried opening it, I opened it to far and all the crumbs fell everywhere and got in my crevasses.
• The teacher and girl that walked by me- I would like to mention at this point, I am sweating like a fricking pig, and I’m white as a ghost. So this girl looks at me and is like “Rachel? Are you ok?” I said yes, after I eat this granola bar I will be fine. And the teacher asks me “Do you want me to go get someone” and I was thinking, well aren’t you supposed to be the person people get for me? But I just said no.
• Eating the granola bar- My mouth was dry. The granola bar was dry. Enough said.
• Filling my water bottle- I was staring hopelessly at the water fountain when I remembered that I had a water bottle in my locker. So I got it. It was empty. Just then, the nice girl from before came out into the hallway, and filled it for me. That was lovely, and for that, I thank her.

After all of this, the plus side was that I got out of band. The downside was I felt like i had just run a marathon. But anyway, laugh at my story, it’s alright. I do now. The greatest part was right after, I talked to my step-sister. Her response: “Rachel!! You need to eat three meals a day!!”

-Rachel Ann

Dear Friend,

I owe you an apology. For what? For every day I told you I couldn’t hang out when I could have, but in all reality I just wanted to sit in my room and feel sorry for myself. I’m sorry for telling you that I hurt myself, I mean I did, but I didn’t want you to know. I’m sorry for hurting you, and making you feel like I don’t like you. I wanted to fix myself. I wanted to heal. But I couldn’t, and I didn’t understand why. I’m sorry you felt unimportant. Most of all, I’m sorry I made you hate me. I’m sorry I made you start getting annoyed by me. I’m sorry that I made you regret even trying. I’m pissed at myself. I just wanted to be better, you know? I wanted to feel like someone important. Not to anyone else, but to myself. I wanted to feel worthy. Since you’ve been so honest, I guess it’s my turn. I miss you. I miss our memories, and I know I can save them. But I’m being an ass, and not even attempting. I’m just watching them slip away! I’m so, so, sorry. Here’s the thing, I feel like you don’t miss me. You don’t want me back as a friend. You’ve been down that road, and don’t seem to want to retrace your steps. I understand. But hey, if you ever feel like you need someone to talk or cry or laugh with. Just call me. I’ll be there, even if I haven’t been before.

deefizzy:

i never feel good enough. i’m always just there, i never actually belong. this world honestly wouldn’t be any different without me.

You think the world wouldn’t be different without you? Are you blind? Do you know how many smiles have been shown because of you? Do you know many people have stepped away from the ledge because of you? I don’t think you do. You’re a beautiful human being. Sure, I’m a girl, and you don’t lack attractiveness. So obviously people might be thinking that I’m just a fan doing whatever fans do. But I’m not. The world would be different this way: People would have pulled the trigger. Girls would still believe they are nothing to the world. Guys would still feel worthless. Smiles wouldn’t be shared. Laughter wouldn’t be heard. And depression wouldn’t be a part of someone’s “Once Upon a Time”.  You have changed so many lives Damon Fizzy. You have altered personalities, and healed broken hearts. You have a special place in my heart for helping so many people. I aspire to be like you, to have a heart as pure as yours. You’re the reason I put down the razor, and opened my mouth. Stay beautiful, and remember, to stay beautiful, you already have to be beautiful. And don’t worry, you are.

-Rachel Ann

When you read do you ever find yourself so focused that you lose sight of the world around you. You don’t hear anything, see anything, feel anything. It’s like you’ve been momentarily paralyzed. Time stops. You just become the character. The character’s friends are your friends. It’s parents, yours. It’s life, yours.

It’s because of this ability I have, my grandmother insists that I do not have a short attention span.

Once upon a time someone died.  They did not die from old age, or any disease. They died because someone decided they shouldn’t live. The religious may trace murder back to Cain and Abel. I do. Others may argue that the first murders took place in the ancient ruins of Egypt, when they weren’t so ancient. I don’t care. The point is, someone was murdered.

The issue is that we always see murder as something that happened. Something that took place in the horror movie you watched or the book you read. Something that we learned about in History class. But history, my friend, does indeed repeat itself. Take a look around! Rape, abuse, sex slavery, human trade. All of these things still exist today. Better yet, these crimes and terrible occurrences have become things of the past, and even punchlines to jokes.

I am a teenager. I walk the through the hallway, like your children. I even take part in some of the jokes that really don’t contain humor. For example, shouting “RAPE!” when someone bumps into us in the hallway. Or the classic joke “What’s worse then finding a worm in your apple? The holocaust!”. Hilarious.

From the moment we’re born, we are shielded. We are read stories of princes, princesses, and frogs. Animals talk, and people are kind. There is no bad in the world until we can recognize it. Some of us are less fortunate, and get mistreated immediately. To you, I apologize. I’m sorry you never got to listen to Cinderella, and feel a parent’s love. I truly am. If I could go back and change that, I would. I was not an abused child. I was very much loved, and I wouldn’t change that. Therefore I don’t know the pain you experienced.

Here is another issue. People are dying, being kidnapped, abused, traded as sex slaves, and murdered. But we are guided away from it. We are hidden from the reality of the harshness in the world around us. And I want to tell you to become aware. And be careful. Maybe I’m just a paranoid person who watches the news to much and looks up too many things on the internet, but that makes you scared. Scared of what’s out there. I am too, but I will not shield myself of the reality of the human brain, and it’s capabilities. Neither should you my Loves.

I was thinking, you know that rare thing that I do, and I realized that I’m not friends with a lot of the people I used to be friends with. Which makes sense, people get older and lose touch. But I’m talking about the people I see everyday that used to talked to me, they moved on, and apparently I stuck in place. I just wanted to point out that it’s not losing friends that suck. It that one solid moment in time when you realize you that you’ve lost them. That one moment that you remember that they no longer care about the day you had. The exact moment you realize that they moved on, and you’re stuck in place.

-Rachel

Dear Wanderers,

I am one of you. Being a wanderer doesn’t mean you have no purpose, or that you have no where to belong. It doesn’t mean you have no home. At least not in the sense that I’m using it in. It means that you don’t know where you really want to be. You wander through life, without being focused on one goal. You question you’re actions pertaining to the future, and thats ok. You see, it’s not just you who tells your self that your future is uncertain. The whole world tells us who we can and can’t be. The generations before us scream at us to learn from their mistakes, and in turn we create our own. To them we become something less of a generation. People who are less human, because we forget to consider the lessons they learned. We listen to the wrong music, and think the wrong thoughts. We make more unforgivable mistakes, we use language that takes on a more vulgar content. We consume more alcohol, and we consume more drugs. <— Debateable. But that’s what they tell us. This is not all wanderers. I do my best to avoid the alcohol and drugs, but I am uncertain. I’m also sick of being told how I’m supposed to look and act. Sure there is a certain way you should treat people, and a certain way you should act in public. But I’m talking about having to act happy all the time, and I should pretend to be ok when I’m not. I won’t do that. Not for anyone but me. As a wanderer, I don’t know where I’ll end up. But I sure as hell won’t get there by abiding by society’s rules. Common curtesy and manners along with a touch of my own personality. So, dear wanderer, I can’t tell you where you’ll end up. Or who you’ll be. But I will tell you that you cannot let society shape you. Or you’ll loose your self in the fight. So stay strong, wanderer. Stay beautiful.

-Rachel Ann